here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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