There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
