I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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