Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
