I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
