You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
