i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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