i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
