Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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