Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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