my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
