I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
