:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
