I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
