Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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