I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
