Swine flu. Run for my life!
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
well you can't waste a boner
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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