morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
