why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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