Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
