i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
