I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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