Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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