and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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