apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Let's get the cat blown out
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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