the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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