wrigley field is MILF paradise
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I love you. Go after that dick
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
