cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
