whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
