have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
