in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I wish i was in the wii world.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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