I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Randomize
