This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I licked your asshole in confidence.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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