Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
