But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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