we have pet lesbian snakes
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
