They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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