Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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