I'm jealous of your bromance
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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