You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
