I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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