I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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