I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
