Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
