heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
