Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I could have mohawked her pubes.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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