I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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