I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Randomize
