Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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