he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
