I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
