I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
