You're my little dorito
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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