fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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