so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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