It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
