then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
