I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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