Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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