Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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